#1 . The First Poem Written for Computers
<>!*''#
^"`$$-
!*=@$_
%*<>~4
&[]../
|{,,SYSTEM HALTED
For you somewhat cybernetically challenged, it goes something like this (using the proper cyber-names):
Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash,
Caret quote back-tick dollar dollar dash,
Bang splat equal at dollar under-score,
Percent splat waka waka tilde number four,
Ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash,
Vertical-bar curly-bracket comma comma CRASH
#2 Regular Expression
Some people, when confronted with a problem, think “I know, I'll use regular expressions.” Now they have two problems.
~Jamie Zawinski
#3 foo & bar
A foo walks into a bar, takes a look around and says "Hello World!" and meet up his friend Baz
#4 Many-To-One Relationship
Q: Why did the database administrator leave his wife?
A: She had one-to-many relationships
#5 Solution of Dining philosopher's problem
Q: How do you solve the dining philosopher's problem?
A: Just add more fork()
#6 Pattern-al Love
Q: What does the software engineer who fathered MVC, Broker, Pipe-and-filter, Client-Server and Transaction Processing feel towards his creations?
A: Pattern-al love
#7 Platform
When a programmer and a beggar meet, the very first question they ask each other - Which platform are you working on ?
#8 Recursion
To understand what recursion is, you must first understand recursion.
#9 Looping round
A programmer started to cuss
Because getting to sleep was a fuss
As she lay there in bed
Looping 'round in her head
was: while(!asleep()) sheep++
#10 SRS
Walking on water and developing software from a specification are easy if both are frozen.
#11. Programmers Chat
Dude its freezing in here, someone cranked the aircon on VARCHAR(MAX).
#12. Software Development Cycles in use
1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren’t really bugs.
4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn’t work and discovers 15 new bugs.
5. Repeat steps 3 and 4 three times.
6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
7. Users find 137 new bugs.
8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.
13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free…
#13. Software Development Cycles in use
#14. Skype - me
if you want something quickly then Skype me, dont call
#15. Wife 1.0
A year ago I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and I have observed that this new program started an unexpected subroutine called Son, which occupies almost all my space and important resources. Also, Wife 1.0 auto-installs as a host in all my programs and auto-starts every time I want to use any of them. Apps like Beers With Friends 10.3 and Sunday Football 5.0 no longer work.
Every now and then, a spyware program called In-Law 1.0 starts and freezes Wife 1.0. I haven't been able to uninstall this spyware and I cannot minimize Wife 1.0 if I want to run any of my favorite apps. I'm thinking about downgrading to Girlfriend 7.0 but uninstall IS NOT WORKING!!! Please Help!!
SUPPORT RESPONSE:
Dear User:
This is a known bug submitted by users. In most cases the source is pretty simple. Many users go from version Girlfriend X.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking Wife 1.0 is an utilities and entertainment app. However, Wife 1.0 is designed to control the system entirely. It is very unlikely that you'll be able to uninstall Wife 1.0 and return to any version of Girlfriend. There are hidden files on Girlfriend X.0 that will make it work just like Wife 1.0.
Some users have tried clean formatting their systems in order to install Girlfriend Plus 1.0 or Wife 2.0 but ended with bigger problems afterwards. Please refer to the warning section on the read-me file, specifically the alimony chapter.
Also, if you update to Girlfriend 8.0, do not update to Wife 2.0 because problems will be worst, expensive and not recommended for normal users. Frequently used upgrades include Celibacy 1.0 or Gay/Lesbian 5.3.
I personally have Wife 1.0 installed and suggest you explore the manual in its entirety. The user agreement states that the user shall be responsible for any problem, no matter the cause. A really powerful command, which normally un-freezes the application can be found under C:/IMSORRY.EXE. Having said that, Wife 1.0 is really interesting but has very expensive updates. Recommended plugins include Flowers 12.0, Jewels 2.3 and Vacations 2.3. Yeshoney 9.0 and Whateveryousay 12.3 are also very popular.
Finally, Wife 1.0 is not compatible with MiniSkirtSecretary 3.3. Installing it can cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
#15. Re-use of Code
A programmer is someone who will spend 6 months writing a computer program that will save him 45 minutes (and which he'll only use once.)
#16. Bill gates
I was in the airport VIP lounge in route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink. I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.
Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."
"Yes?"
"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi, Ray,'?"
"Sure."
I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.
About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business.
A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.
"Hi, Ray," he said.
I replied, "Get lost Gates, I'm in a meeting."
#17. Indexing
Three programmers go into a bar and sit down at a table. The first programmer holds up two fingers and says "Three beers".
#18. My Password
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy
When asked why such a big password, she said that it had to be at least 8 characters long.
#19 The software uncertainty principle
You can either know what a application is doing or how fast it is doing it - not both.
You can not debug a program without affecting it.
#20 Man, Woman And Computer
Why computers are like men:
In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.
Why computers are like women:
No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
#21 A Bit
Q: Why wouldn't the flag fit through the door?
A: Because it was a bit long.
#22 Indexer
A programmer: "My 0-th son was born yesterday"
#23 It's Work Don't Touch It
Programmer's son asks his father: Dad, why do the sun rise on the east and set on the west?
Father: It works? don't touch it.
#24 localhost
There's no place like 127.0.0.1
#25 Null pointer
Q - Why don't programmers pray?
A - They don't like throwing null pointer exceptions!
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